Telling her truth. In Leah Messer‘s new memoir, Hope, Grace & Faith, the reality star opens up about multiple hardships in her life — including what appeared to be a miscarriage.
Messer, 28, revealed she’d lost a baby in 2012, explaining during the season 4 premiere of Teen Mom 2 that she had a miscarriage. However, in her new book, she admits that she lied; she actually had an abortion.
“[If I could change anything,] I would have been more honest about the abortion. I would’ve owned that then and been 100 percent honest,” she shared in an exclusive interview with Us Weekly. “I would have been more considerate — even about my journey in general, just holding myself accountable and holding myself high for my journey.”
The 16 & Pregnant star is the mother of three daughters: 10-year-old twins Aliannah and Aleeah with ex-husband Corey Simms, and 7-year-old Adalynn with ex-husband Jeremy Calvert. The abortion took place before Adalynn was born. In the memoir, Messer explains that her mother told her she could take abortion pills in secret.
“I didn’t feel anything after I left the clinic, but the next day I took the second pill and a few hours later I started cramping,” she recalls. “They told me that it would be like having a heavy period, but it was way more than that. My mom was with me and when the cramping started, she called Jeremy. When she told him I was having a miscarriage, the way she played the role of concerned mother was so damn convincing even I couldn’t tell she was lying. The really f–ked up part though, was that I couldn’t help thinking she was enjoying all the drama. I remember listening to her talking to Jeremy on the phone and wondering how the hell I had let this happen. The pain just kept getting worse and worse, and there was so much blood. … I don’t think it was real to me until that moment and all I could think was, what the f–k did I just do? It was the worst thing I had ever been through.”
She also reveals in her memoir that the season had already been filmed when it happened, so she didn’t think it’d be included on the show. However, when she told them she’d lost the baby, they sent a film crew.
“When they showed up the next morning I was still cramping and bleeding heavily. I had barely processed what had happened, and I was genuinely heartbroken because I had convinced myself I had given up the only boy I would ever have. I hated myself for the lie, but I was in so deep there was no turning back,” she writes.
Messer went on to explain she wasn’t “OK” with the decision for a long time.
“It felt so dark because it was hidden. I wasn’t able to talk publicly or privately about it because I let the people who were closest to me at the time convince me that it was something I needed to hide,” the TV personality pens. “It wasn’t until I was finally able to bring myself to tell Jeremy what had really happened that I started to realize that as long as I was living with the lie it would keep eating away at me. I carried the pain and the guilt around with me for years, until I finally got to the point where I could hold myself accountable for my choices without punishing myself for them.”
Hope, Grace & Faith is available now.